Taboo?

Going through the experience of having an early miscarriage has truly made me learn so much.  I've been a member of theknot.com, thenest.com and now thebump.com.  As much as people say the internet is filled with misinformation (which is true, I know), I truly believe thebump has educated me so much --- not so much with the information on there, but more-so the message board where you can "talk" to other women going through the same thing as you.  

When Adam and I started this whole family talk, I got on the TTC (trying to conceive) board and read what women were writing.  It was filled with all sorts of acronyms and jargon I did not understand.  They were talking about, BBT, CM, BD, DH, SO, LO, TTTC, TTCAL, HPT, BFP, BFN, HCG and so on.  I had NO idea what any of that meant.  After doing some lengthy research (Adam thought I was crazy and obsessed) I feel as though I finally understand these women.  

Well, my stay on the TTC board was short and sweet - or so I thought.  Before I even fully understood what these women were talking about we got our first BFP (big fat positive) HPT (home pregnancy test).  Ahhh, so with that I moved on to the 1st Trimester board.  

My stay there too was short, yet not so sweet.  After discovering I was experiencing an early miscarriage, onto the Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss board I went.  So much for "bonding" with these ladies, huh?  I was all over the place in the matter of a few weeks.  I have to say though, that MC/PL board was extremely supportive and I feel very blessed to have found it.  

Even though I have the best friends and family in the world, there's something comforting about talking to other women who are experiencing the same exact thing.  Some of these women on the board have been through the wringer -- losing a baby at 22+ weeks, giving birth to a stillborn child, having five, six, seven miscarriages.  I can't imagine what that must feel like, but it gives me hope to see how positive these women are after experiencing such loss.  I had an idea of what to expect from my body and the future based on their stories.  I was able to lurk, vent ask questions without having to deal with it all IRL (in real life, it's getting ridiculous, I know!).  Sure, I could call my friends, call my mom, call  my family, call my doctor, but there was something comforting about hiding behind my screenname on an internet message board.  

I am now on the TTCAL (trying to conceive after a loss) board and I have to say, I am happy to be there.  The regular TTC board is bitchy, snotty and full of bitter women.  The TTCAL board has women who have been through so much and are wanting so badly to become mommies.  Although I wouldn't wish a miscarriage upon my worst enemy, I am happy to know there is a place for us all to go to support one another.  

That brings me to the topic of why I began this post.  Taboo.  We live in a day in age where the topic of miscarriage is only discussed in whispers.  Women are too often filled with pain and shame, and the word miscarriage carries a certain stigma.  Initially we didn't think we were going to tell anyone about it, except for the necessary people (the people I work for since I had to leave for numerous doctor's appointments, our parents and only the very closest of friends).  After a few days passed, I began to realize there is nothing I needed to hide.  People always ask, "So, when do you think you'll have children?"  I didn't want to live a lie and pretend we were waiting or come up with some other untrue story.  I wanted people to know what happened.

I know we are all different and privacy is a personal thing, but that's just not me.  I don't have any shame, it wasn't our fault, we did nothing wrong, it just happened.  My doctor said that 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage.  That's 1 in 5 women/couples.  Look around, do you know 5 couples ready to have a baby?  Maybe they already have children?  1 in 5 of those couples has lost a baby due to miscarriage.  Kind of crazy numbers, huh?  After hearing that statistic, I kept wondering who else has suffered a m/c that I don't know about.  I think it's important to talk about (I know it's helped me) and to get the word out there that miscarriage is not something you must deal with in silence.  I believe that everything happens for a reason and maybe we went through this so we can be of support to others.  

I will end with this quote from Facebook last week:

In memory of all babies born sleeping or whom have been carried, but never met, or held in our arms. Make this your status if you or someone you know has suffered a miscarriage or the loss of a baby. The majority won't do it, because unlike cancer, baby loss is still a taboo subject....break the silence. In Memory of all those sweet babies in Heaven.