Bump...

in the road.  After dating almost nine years, we have been through almost everything imaginable --- the ups, the downs and everything in between.  Just when you think you've been through everything, something hits you right between in the eyes.  This may be TMI for some of you, but this is what this blog is for, no sugar-coating or beating around the bush.  That being said, here's the story...

We decided to start "trying" for a baby while we were in Boston over the 4th of July weekend.  After seeing too many of our friends struggle to get pregnant, I was a little worried it would take us some time too.  Although we've never had any infertility red flags, you never know, so we decided to "pull the goalie" and hop on the baby-making train just like everyone else.  Key point, we decided all of this over the 4th of July weekend, as in 7 days ago.  To prepare for this momentousness occasion, we studied up by reading Taking Charge of Your Fertility, What to Expect Before You're Expecting and everything possible on TheBump.com.  I was prepared - or so I thought. 

Last Thursday my alarm went off for work and I woke up feeling a bit queasy.  Not thinking much of it, I got up, showered, got ready, grabbed an english muffin and headed out.  No big deal, right?  That brings us to Friday --- I'm off on Fridays (amen!) so I woke up a bit later and had that same queasy feeling.  Weird, I thought.  It just so happened Kristen had texted me earlier and as I responded to her, I nonchalantly mentioned I woke up feeling nauseous two days in a row.  She convinced me to pee on a stick, just in case.  It was ridiculous because I knew it was impossible for me to be pregnant because I'd just finished my period in Boston and it was physically very unlikely to get pregnant yet - well, according to all of my research it was unlikely.  I'm not sure what pushed me to listen to her, but I pulled out the box of tests, peed on one and got ready to hop in the shower.  Just then Adam called (he was on his way home from a meeting that morning, that's how much I knew I wasn't pregnant, I didn't even wait for him to take the test) and as I looked down at the test on the counter, I think my exact quote was, "What the fuck?" - um, pardon my French.  I thought I was seeing things and got into the shower.  When he got home I told him to look at it too and pull out the directions to make sure what we were seeing was in fact a positive test.  Here it is, we weren't crazy:

However, being the all-knowing person I am, I still knew that couldn't be right.  I pulled out an internet cheapy preggo test, took it and it came back negative.  See, I knew it!!  Well, then I got online and googled a few hundred different positive pregnancy test outcomes, and they all came back with the same answer.  There is a 99.9% chance you are pregnant if you see a +.  WTF!?!? Apparently your body begins producing the hormone HCG a few days after conception and that's what the tests measure.  

Saturday morning I got up again (it's most accurate to test in the am, as urine is more concentrated, TMI again, sorry) took another test and got the same result: +.  At this point I began to panic.  There was NO way I could POSSIBLY be PREGNANT.  NO WAY!!  After that, I ran out and got an EPT digital test to take Sunday morning because there is no way to read that wrong.  You are either pregnant or you are not pregnant, plain and simple:

After the third test, there was no denying it.  I was pregnant.  Monday morning I called an OBGYN I was recommended and got an appointment for that day.  After speaking with the PA, they took blood and said they would call me the next day with the results.  I was a bit nervous about the results because I just felt different and had some spotting (there we go with the TMI again, get used to it).  She called me Tuesday and said my HCG level was at a 59 which was low.  The levels are supposed to double every 48 hours so she had me go back in again Wednesday for some more testing.  The call Thursday was the call I was fearing.  My levels were down to a 23 which meant I was having a "spontaneous miscarriage" according to the PA.  Deep down I knew something wasn't right, however the second the word "miscarriage" came out of her mouth my heart sank.  We had ridden the emotional roller-coaster for a week between shock, fear, worry, wonder, excitement, planning the future (due date would have been 3/31/11), hope and then let-down.  It was the most exhausting week, both physically and emotionally.  Having a miscarriage has always been an enormous fear of mine, and now it has happened.  The entire week feels like a blur and I am sure we are still in a state of shock.  I know time will heal all wounds, but this was something we never expected.  They say that early miscarriages are typically due to chromosomal abnormalities, so part of me is grateful this happened now rather than 6 or 7 months down the road.  With all of that fear of not being able to get pregnant, we ended up getting pregnant right away.  Now my fear is losing the pregnancy.  What gives?  What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger.